repost from May 29th, 2008.
bebe, i keep hearing your voice in my head. whispering what to do, telling me what to say, reminding me of all the stories you told me but i didnt have faces to the names until this weekend. you would have been so proud of all the people who were there to say goodbye, all the people who didnt come because they wanted to remember you exactly how you were with them in life, all the people who love you so much, and all the people who are struggling with this equally because you loved us in just the most perfect way – unconditionally.
we are so touched by your generous and free spirit, James – every last one of us.
i keep asking you to guide me when people approach to say sorry. i stand there numb and speechless because you always spoke on my behalf when we were together. you always knew the perfect comeback, and we dont pretend that anybody else could get in a word edge-wise. you were the storyteller, and i was the listener and writer. if only i had written down more of your stories… there are lots of if onlys. i never had to be eloquent or thoughtful in my response, especially standing next to you, my love. i could just be me, and how rare is that, you know? WONDER TWIN POWERS – ACTIVATE! another secret between us, i guess. if you are with us, please remind of us of all the funny things you did and said to break up our stunned silences. remind us of your love and your strength and your power of observation for the absurd, so that we can chuckle just like old times. give us your courage to say whatever the fuck we need to say without any regrets – just like you did every single fucking day of your life… remind us to remove our verbal filters with people we care about, and help us move forward without your incredible, energetic force to guide us, so that we can rebuild that empty space that you undoubtedly once filled in our daily lives.
May he rest in peace…
he would have told me to cry, because i dont do it nearly often enough, and that im probably pretty salty by now.
he would have told me to stop being such a pussy. that people die all the time, and now it was just his turn, and soon it will be our turn, and he will tell me all the gossip the moment i arrive.
he would have told me that we never stopped laughing every single fucking time we were together, and that i shouldnt stop now.
he would have told me that no matter how much i am afraid of death, people do not open their eyes once they are dead, and that i should be at his funeral, just in case he did open his eyes because it would be a miracle and i would want to see that shit. oh, and bring the camera just in case people don’t believe you. that shit could make you rich, son.
he would have told me to get dressed, put some makeup on, get it together for the sake of the kids. people aren’t going to believe you are okay if you look homeless.
he would have told me that shit happens, and that it was his time, and when its my time, he will be waiting for me, ready show me the ropes, video camera in hand.
he would have told me don’t worry i’m going to stalk you from the other side whether you like it or not.
he would have told me that we should have not been so stubborn, because both of our fiance’s have no idea how crazy we are together. guess it will just have to stay our little secret. for now.
he would have told me to take more pictures, because when you get to be an old fat fuck, our memories fade, and we wont ever look as cute as we did when we were younger.
he would have told me that i would be able to finally talk if took daniel’s cock out of mouth every once in a while. (if only he were that lucky)
he would have told me holy shit! it’s true! he can see everything now! so stop picking my thong when i think nobody is looking.
my best friend – what will i do without you? who will i share my deepest secrets with? who will sit next to me when im scared, and hold my hand and give me bear hugs when im nervous, or complain that my apartment is always messy? who will make us homemade cakes, and kiss our foreheads, and say i love you just because you felt like it?
he would have told to me to take a deep breath, it’s all going to be okay, and that’s why god brought Daniel to me so that i will have a new pillar of strength, someone to finally teach me how to cook, and i should really hire a housekeeper, because nobody wants to marry a messy bitch.
he would have told us that we should know that he is taking care of the baby we lost just a few short days ago, and what the fuck would i expect? you KNOW we take care of our own.
he would have told me to get Ryan to talk, and make sure Hunter gets a decent haircut this summer and charley gets a new ball, and tell Daniel every single moment possible how much i love him, even when he’s clearly trying to be a pain in the ass.
he would have told me to play all his favorite songs, pull up all his favorite pictures, and thank god we recorded some of the fun we had when he came to visit two weeks ago.
he would have told me to buy a record player immediately, and play all of his favorite artists that are sitting in my album collection: marvin gaye, stevie wonder, barry white, teddy pendergrass…
he would have told me to write my tits off, and don’t even THINK about quitting anything, and that he will help me find the words, even if it ends up being a cheesy ass poem that makes no sense to anyone but us.
Do what makes you happy.
Fuck the haters.”
and he would have told me to pick up the phone when your best friend calls, each and every time no matter how late or how early or what you are doing, because you just never know if that will be the last time