this was nothing like my first wedding.

which is why i feel like im doing it for the very first time, now, with daniel.

every single thing has been different – and im glad about it. 

i get along with ryan's dad swell, but we married because it was the right thing to do for everyone else.

this time, with daniel, it was the right thing to do for us, and people came along for the ride.

we havent opened gifts yet – and im nervous about it.  i didnt want gifts.  i didnt want to get married because we would get gifts.  a wonderful man wrote us the most beautiful poem last night, and i cried when i read it, and i cried again when i thought about it this morning.

im hyper-emotional. 
im weepy.
im mushy.
im spent.
im ecstatic.

and we haven't even had sex yet.

lots of people came back to our place for an "after party" and we danced and we drank some more (!!) and it was a TRUE celebration just as the rabbi had explained.  our 8 foot bar finally got some good use – it was wonderful.

ive been sleeping most of the day, and hopefully this evening i'll get some.

if we're up for it.

and that's the best part, right?  that there's no pressure. 

i'm telling you – it's perfect.

There were a lot of mistakes

but im pretty sure everyone else was too drunk to notice.

so, i’d say it was a success.

from this day forward, my husband.

i threw up this morning.
then i smiled.
nerves.
jittery.
excitement.
anticipation.
i am watching him sleep, while i write.
its 536am.
so peaceful.
and calm.
like every other night.
i cant even tell you how much i adore this man.
i worship this man.
he is the better me,
this gentle, kind man.
this bad ass motherfucker.
he’s someone who will kiss my forehead ever so gently
and a second later take someone out with one forceful blow.
then walk away like nothing happened.
this inner strength, this quiet power
he possesses.
my love for him is overwhelming.
i can’t wait.

afterlife – questions, and such.

when my best friend, james, passed away – it was the first time i really realized we are all going to die.

for the last two weeks, he has been coming to me in my dreams on a consistent basis – usually every other night or more.

because im not religious (even though i was raised christian) – i dont know what’s real and what isnt.

i believe in a higher power – but there’s no proof there is a god.

i believe that there is another side that our spirits go off too – but i dont know that there is a heaven.

now i believe that spirits come to us – because james keeps coming back to me over and over – especially over the last two weeks. in my dreams, in my ear, around the house. when i tell you the whole story, after the wedding, it might make more sense, but for now just bear with me…

this morning daniel and i were talking about my “power.”

power im not sure is the right word – but when i focus on something long enough or hard enough it comes true. if or i say something is going to happen – it does. now, if i were christian or catholic or jewish or religious – people would say this was prayer and that god made it so because i asked him for it.

but im not asking god for anything. i just get really really focused and keep asking or expecting for something over and over and it comes true.

in my dreams, i have been asking james to make something happen – he’s been my consultant of sorts. and he keeps coming back to me over and over – especially the last two weeks.

now – how crazy is this?

or, is this the purpose of religion? and is this why people pray to god?

and do you believe in the spirits of loved ones coming back to you? because every time i feel him in the room i get goosebumps up my arms!!

i finally feel like daniel believes me, especially now.

but im a little freaked out about it. and i cant help but think that if i believed in a god, that i would be less nervous about it all.

thoughts?

best post ive read today

is written by jane.

update: and now a femme’s response.

deep sigh of relief.

10:29

[ring]

hi ma.
hi ryan
how are you?
are you on your way home?
yea we just left.
did you have a good time?
it was cool. there was (insert excited flutter here) and i even got to mosh twice!
excellent. so glad you had fun!
yea.
so where are you?
on the way to the train.
ok good be careful.

(silence)

do you want me to wait up for you or go to bed?
you could wait up for me.
great.
yea. i want to tell you everything when i get in.
cool. love you. be safe.
k. i love you too.
bye.
k. bye.

10:42

[ring]

hi ma.
you okay?
im at the train.
ok.
i think the train runs local and i dont want to be late.
i thought it runs local at 11…?
i dont know, just wanted to let you know.
run! run! try to catch the last express!! conductor’s car!
ok bye!

sometimes just asking what people want & need works out better than assuming.

random tag.

oh shit i got tagged. 

will have to do this tomorrow after work – since now i have to go to the room and pretend like im reading a book and not at all like waiting up for the kid tonight.

it's tricky.

daniel wants to have this song on the wedding playlist.

i think i might approve.

so, ryan is out tonight, way downtown, with his girlfriend and a group of friends at a concert on a school night.

i debated on this, but he’s an excellent negotiator.

fact: this week is opening project, which means that all the grades mix classes so that the middle schoolers get to know the high schoolers right from the start. real classes dont start until monday.

fact: this is the last FREE outdoor concert of the summer that he will be able to go to.

fact: he will get up at 6am to get to school on time, he promises.

fact: he wont be home later than 11:30pm.

the parental dilemma, after we approved:

should i wait up for him and see if he gets home on time and if not punish him on the spot,

or

should i go to bed as planned, and trust that he will live by his word and do the right thing?

if i stay up, will he think he is not trusted?  but at least i will know he is home safely.

if i go to bed, will he think i dont care? or will he assume he is trusted?

or will he not give a shit either way?

i wish kids just skip the teenage years and go from being super cute tiny creatures to pain the ass grownups.

this whole in-between shit sucks balls.

it was pretty much like this

last spring we had a miscarriage. i want to talk about miscarriages eventually, because too many fucking women have them and everyone acts like it’s this big secret thing you aren’t supposed to talk about, like – your mother and her lover who after being together for 25+ years STILL WONT ADMIT THAT THEY ARE GAY.

like, we dont fucking know, right? and god forbid you even roll your eyeballs like YOU MIGHT just say something like, how come you never talk about being gay? why wouldnt you be proud of just being you?

well, miscarriages are the same thing – but worse – because there’s an actual death you have to deal with – even if it’s the first trimester. the very milisecond you get a positive test you instantly bond – if you want it that is. ive had my fair share of unwanteds and not readys and exercised my freedom of choice because i still had it.

but
but
but

when you are finally ready, and really want to have a kid, and you get a positive and you are thrilled beyond words, and then you start cramping and bleeding and denying – and then you cant talk about it…? or people tell you that it happens to women ALL THE TIME and it’s no big deal. 

it’s absurd.

more on that bullshit another time.

here is where i was going:

we had a miscarriage last spring.
and just seven days later my best friend died.  he suffocated himself during an epileptic seizure.
i postponed our wedding from our original october 12th date,

then i fell apart.

in every way shape form – and my lover, my pillar, my beloved – he held me up through it.  i dont know how, but between him and ryan, they did it.

and things sorta became normal again, but not really.

so come june daniel and i were ready to start procreating again – officially.

and even though we were engaged for over a year, about six weeks ago, i turned to him and said, we should get married.

he agreed.

we looked at the calendar, and looked at all the birthdays and jewish holidays and christian holidays and said

if we dont do it the first or second sunday of september we have to wait until 2009.

and we said it’s such short notice, nobody will be able to come.

and then we decided that we needed to do this for us – not them.

and that’s how this quickie wedding came to be.

and we wouldnt change a thing.

24 days before

im a control freak.  its a huge issue.  im obsessing over the small details that he doesnt give a shit about.

like:
who’s going to give out the bubbles?
how will people know to stand in a circle around the chuppa?
who’s going to give the kids all the toys i bought them?
when do we step on the glass again?
labels.  i need to make labels.  for the bubbles and the mints and the chocolate covered espresso beans that need to go into the scoop then wrapped in tulle then tied with raffia.

i guess i should get my dress altered too.